The Beginning

I love food. Food loves me. We have a very special relationship, food and I. Sometimes I love it more than things that should be more important. I am out of control.

I'm starting this blog because I want better for myself. I want to look back on it and remember what I have been through, the struggles and the triumphs alike. I am hoping it will make me more aware of what I eat and why I eat it. A long time ago, I decided that being fat was OK. You only live once right? As long as I didn't care what I looked like, life was good. Except it never was. I always hated how I looked inside, acting like I could care less on the outside. Being fat is so not OK. Don't get me wrong, I don't care to be a stick like those Hollywood anorexics, I think having some meat on your bones is a must. I just don't feel healthy. I am tired all the time, always weighed down, the food never seems to fill me up the way I want it to. I could eat all day and never be full.

I honestly believe that I need the help of a psychiatrist to overcome my addiction. Because it is an addiction. But it's embarrassing to me, food being something that I can't control. It seems so petty and inexcusable. I feel so silly saying that I can't stop eating. For now, I will try and beat this myself. I pray for the willpower, for the strength to do it. I am worth it and I know that.

My current weight is 225.5 lbs. It's the most I have ever weighed. Not to mention that I am only 5'4". It looks pretty bad. A lot of the weight is in my stomach. It pokes out quite a bit and sometimes I see people look and can't help but think if they are wondering if I'm pregnant. You know, you're not quite sure, so you don't ask just to be on the safe side. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't really think so. It's time for a diet. No, better yet, time for a lifestyle change. The word "diet" seems so temporary. I want to change forever.

I know I will struggle and sometimes fail, but I hope in the end, the good overcomes the bad. I will try my best to keep a good food diary. I know that this will help me realize what I do eat and help me be more aware of what I put into my body.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!