Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

I Feel

2007-03-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Like crap. I do have to say, however, that eating more of the things that I enjoy eating is nice. But maybe taking most of my carbs out of my diet in such a fashion does not agree with my body. I feel so tired, so energy-less, just crappy in general. I did a lot of research and apparently this is very normal. I hope it passes soon though. The toll it's taking is excruciating. And when I step on that scale on Monday, it better be less than what I weighed before or it's over.

I will break up with Dr. Atkins myself...

Small Miracles And A Good Idea

2007-03-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

Holy crap!!! That's all I can say. I stepped on the scale tonight and it actually said 218!! 218!!! That's a freakin pound a day I lost! These last 4 or so days have gone pretty well. My last mistake involved a huge apple fritter. Trust me, not pretty. But since then, it's been going well. I did decide that trying the low-calorie thing was not working for me. Too much counting and having to think about it constantly, not to mention I felt starving all the time.

I boldly say that I am going to try out the Adkins diet. It's not been a diet that I believed in firmly, but it does give me a little more freedom to eat things that I like. Meat, cheese, and eggs. And butter, mayo.... things like that. I'm not gonna lie, I've been craving the bread and sweets like crazy, but getting to eat hot wings on a diet is sorta kick ass. I realize that I can't give up carbs forever, but when I get to my goal weight (yes I said "when" and not if), I will have to figure out how to keep up with some maintenance. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it I guess.

I suppose this week wasn't a complete waste like I thought it would be. I set myself up for failure and for the first time, I didn't fail. I realize that next week may have a different outcome, but hey, it works for now.

It's all I can ask for.

Yesterday

2007-03-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

I don't even want to talk about it...

Maybe today will be better.

Wow I Suck!!!

2007-02-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

Two days, two freakin days..... You know, I thought maybe I would go at least a few weeks before messing up but oh no!!! I went out to dinner tonight and totally ordered something I knew I shouldn't be eating, so I tell myself, I'll only eat half. Well I ate half... and 5 minutes later ate the other half. NO CONTROL!!!!

I decided for my punishment I would watch "The Devil Wears Prada" and "The Real Housewives of Orange County" until I went to bed. See, these are the things I watch that usually get me inspired to lose weight and look fabulous. I do realize that this is very materialistic and unreasonable, but I can't help myself. I yearn to look like that and be rich and have nice things. Name brand things. I know it will not get me happiness, and will not fix my life, but there's this part of me that just can't help but want it all. I would never forsake other things in my life for it, but I know I could live my life like that if given the opportunity.

Call me selfish and materialistic.... I don't care.

My Day So Far

2007-02-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

Well today I did pretty well. I probably ate less than I should have, but I slept for a while and that had some affect. This is what I ate:

1 yogurt bar- 120 calories
1/2 cup dried apples- 120 calories
mandarin oranges- 140 calories
Lean Cuisine Beef Portabello- 220 calories
8oz orange juice- 110 calories
strawberry banana smoothie bar- 100 calories

Grand Total- 810 calories

Looking on diffent websites, my calorie intake should be about 1200-1500 calories per day. I know it will be very hard to do that, considering I ususally take in about 3000 a day or more. I really need to find some food low in calories so I can snack a lot in the day because I think I'll go crazy if I don't. Ugh, that probably means I'll have to eat vegetables. Yuck...

The Beginning

2007-02-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

I love food. Food loves me. We have a very special relationship, food and I. Sometimes I love it more than things that should be more important. I am out of control.

I'm starting this blog because I want better for myself. I want to look back on it and remember what I have been through, the struggles and the triumphs alike. I am hoping it will make me more aware of what I eat and why I eat it. A long time ago, I decided that being fat was OK. You only live once right? As long as I didn't care what I looked like, life was good. Except it never was. I always hated how I looked inside, acting like I could care less on the outside. Being fat is so not OK. Don't get me wrong, I don't care to be a stick like those Hollywood anorexics, I think having some meat on your bones is a must. I just don't feel healthy. I am tired all the time, always weighed down, the food never seems to fill me up the way I want it to. I could eat all day and never be full.

I honestly believe that I need the help of a psychiatrist to overcome my addiction. Because it is an addiction. But it's embarrassing to me, food being something that I can't control. It seems so petty and inexcusable. I feel so silly saying that I can't stop eating. For now, I will try and beat this myself. I pray for the willpower, for the strength to do it. I am worth it and I know that.

My current weight is 225.5 lbs. It's the most I have ever weighed. Not to mention that I am only 5'4". It looks pretty bad. A lot of the weight is in my stomach. It pokes out quite a bit and sometimes I see people look and can't help but think if they are wondering if I'm pregnant. You know, you're not quite sure, so you don't ask just to be on the safe side. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't really think so. It's time for a diet. No, better yet, time for a lifestyle change. The word "diet" seems so temporary. I want to change forever.

I know I will struggle and sometimes fail, but I hope in the end, the good overcomes the bad. I will try my best to keep a good food diary. I know that this will help me realize what I do eat and help me be more aware of what I put into my body.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!